to cut a long story short

I was ready to resign
To the fury of indifference, convinced
That inaction will (at least)
Shelter me from the heart of feral hatred

The immediate aftermath—
I wanted to grow my usual carapace that
Saner days and weeks had worn down
Like water sheets ploughing soft earth
Leave me alone!

But you stood. Rooted.
In the corner of my eye
Refusing to budge: “I’ll be here”

I shrank and withdrew
Indignant and stubborn
Hurt and accusing,
Burning bridges to the island

Oh what hubris, how selfish!
Reading of the balance statement
Actually, it’s quite clear
He’s wrong and you’re wronged. Pronounced.
Advice to you: Don’t you bother looking out.
Tch tch…not worth you

But you stood. Rooted.
In the corner of my eye
Refusing to budge: “I’ll be here”
Even when

Shadows grew long
Night after night
And wildflowers became weeds

What happened then?

While I was doused
By apathy’s anesthetic
You (must have)
Cut open my empty chest
And like a helping to the famished
Left a warm heart inside
For when I woke up that morn
It throbbed

Epilogue: to cut a long story short

A firefly blinking
I relayed my signal to
Where you stood rooted, refusing to budge
Saying “I’m here”

intellect and cleverness

Being intellectual versus being clever. There’s a difference she apprehensively explores. Cleverness works in a tightly packed arrangement; she uses some very common form of it, which she finds in abundance in engineers and programmers, to make moves in her life (like a videogame with made-up rules). It’s a quickness she discovered and exhibited in school, where the brightest always answered first. It’s a sharpness she finds comforting, yet wants to grow out of. It hangs on to her—reminding her of the many occasions when it has propelled her from the contrails of competition.

Now is too late to escape. Her constitution has been altered. She doesn’t have a core that is worth an honest investigation. There’s nothing unknown in her, so there’s nothing unknown in her world. Convenience has turned out to be lastingly seductive; she cannot, is powerless, to leave her arms. What lies ahead?

Will she outwardly ridicule art and abstractness and intellect and the spirit of exploration to quell her inner dissatisfaction with herself? Will she marry self-mockingly? Will she deny her inner misery and dreams and undertake a normal existence? Will she never pursue the intellect and challenge the verdict of fate? Will her life be a series of limp undertakings and therefore protected from the depths and darkness of true exploration?