Sunday, June 17, 2007

I am a pang

I’m perished. I’m blank. Tissues of torpor have invaded my core. Moments of pith have deserted me.

My body is a sheet that shrouds and protects the dignity of the corpse underneath; only my eyes belie. Of late, the sense of déjà vu has been unmistakable. I’ve been looking for an alcove to find shelter in at every possible opportunity. I’m afraid that my efforts at separating myself from the outside may just peter out. I may become a vegetable.

I need space and time. I need a place to myself. I do not want to escape into a world of fantasy; I want to create one of my own. I cringe at the idea of what a normal weekend entails but have been partly subjecting myself to the same. Because I can’t write at home—with the TV, phone conversations, and people—I sleep, read, surf, and waste precious hours.

Everyday, I need to string words for myself. It’s only when I’ve penned them that I feel a sense of living. But, by not being appeased, this appetite is eating me from inside. The days smother me but are cruel enough to let a few faint glimmers in through slits. The nights perform the coups de grâce, blemishing hope and snuffing out life. And I can’t even lie naked on the floor and stare at nothingness. For every unit of space has twisted itself into a diseased shape; across every patch of the floor are strewn banal lives.

I feel like an immovable block of stone has been placed on the fountainhead within me. I just can’t displace it.

While I sleep, the hours are slipping away from under my pillow. They teach me—as they have proselytized many before me—that life goes on. I am a pang.

Rain-washed and sun-soaked
Imagination—frosted,
Culled by incubus.

16 comments:

nutty said...

you sound like you need to get drunk :)

you need a life-defining change ..

but then again .. don't we all!

Cuckoo said...

I sense enuui creeping in. Go - learn a new language, trek atleast once every two months, do some social work, change your job, travel to a new land... most importantly, do some physical activity on a daily basis - walk, jog, exercise... anything.

Good Luck!

ps: By writing it out for you, am hoping to tackle my demons of boredom, lassitude, apathy and inertia. Need change, as of yesterday! :)

satyajit said...

nutty: I don't think you got my point. If to be able to find the time and place to write is life-defining, then yes, i need such a change.

cuckoo: i dont want to do social work, change jobs, or anything. and its weird to be told all this cos i precisely meet yr specifications:

I've learned 2 levels of french
I changed my job 6 odd months back
Last year, i had been to the himalayas for 15 days
i've ran 2 half-marathons, in bangalore and in mumbai
i've travelled across south india and made numerous trips on bikes and cars

my point is very simple: i'm not bored like people are in the normal sense of the word. I'm throbbing with energy. But i need to put all that into what i want to do, that is, write, and circumstances are not allowing me to do so.

Anonymous said...

what could you be missing.you have the ability and the freedom to choose..and to act..you have done far more things than cuckkoo here has cooed...you have been to far too many places that have plugged up somewhere so that now you have a sense of familiarity to what is perceived as remote to most of us. inspiration is not a stone that can block a fountainhead. a fountain bursts forth, immutable and ceaseless, sometimes in drops, sometimes in torrents. the crack is for you to recognize its patterns rather than impose your own on it. the aim is to flow with what life offers you rather than put your final verdict on it.. put in pen what you think up throughout the day...people, situations, foods...dust...weather..sweat..go to a place where you have never been before. take your pack of cigarettes and just enough food (breakfast, lunch, dinner) and water for the weekend. stop that cellphone..stop that internet..stop writing it in blog so people can confuse you with their impressions....think...and for once start using that pen. when you can afford a laptop then it will be slam-bang....there is no life defining change in life except for life.go somewhere no one else can find you. it might come in an hour.or it could take days. you have to find your own inside and beside everyone else's. and you will find your cataract..not a fountainhead.you will know when once more what you write will take you to the people you write about. you will laugh with them. and they will make you weep...and for a while..watch others take a lifetime to do what you have done so far... :)

satyajit said...

anonymous: ya..i've to do something..thanks

All about what we read and like! said...

It is a matter of choice what we want to do! Either let the people and phone conversations bother u or u dont! When the appetite is driving you crazy it just means you need to do what you what and to do that you need no excuses!

Ruchika said...

Hmmm.. I felt like that some time ago... now I have a lot of stuff to deal with! Hehehe...

Btw, nice new template.. and more btw, how come you dont comment/read my posts nowadays?! Ok Ok, dont tell me... :))

Anonymous said...

i donot need to be thanked..but i will be happy if you put all that hurt, all that disillusionment, anger, hatred and denial into your writing...rather than looking for opportunity to come to you, make it for yourself. there will be hiccups yes..we are all bound by chains not of our choosing. but some times they are also the ones that keep hope floating, for an identity to emerge from nowhere..and you will know when you will arrive.i dont want you to let go of yourself so much that you cannot let yourself back in, guess there is a time for everything in the world, but satyajit, to isolate yourself from the world is also being tunneled. you will never be complete otherwise. and everywhere there are people with the same problem. some realize it..some dont...and nature abhors a vacuum. you are a part of it if nothing else. so welcome it. dont close yourself just because you think you cant do justice to it..something will never get done if u dont do it, and some place in the world will never be filled if you dont occupy it. good luck on your quest. may you find what you need.

satyajit said...

ruchika: good for you..i do read yr posts evry now and then but i dont think you write much these days..and havent read anything worth commenting on :-)

anonymous: i understand that didnt do me a favour that i should thank you for..but i thanked you for the spirit in your words..i felt much better reading them.. and i dont know who you are

Still searching said...

Really? Kinda hard to believe that though! :(

satyajit said...

ruchika: to clarify, nothing 'enticed' me enough to post a commment :-)

StandbyMind said...

seems like there is a big blank in life....
what ever it is..hope it fill up..or atleast u get to do things that u forget it!!
:)

Anonymous said...

as long as you write, and write good, and write like you were meant to write, and not lose yourself in self doubt again, and take up things rather than let go of them..and believe no one will do it better than you..but dont miss out on life..on people..and dont judge people just because you dont understand them...because everywhere else..its a you...look at the comment to "unleashing a..." i may be corrected...

satyajit said...

standbymind: thank you quite :-) is it a big blank? if i compare myself with others, then its an everyday blank. cos people can gripe all the time. so, with that as a benchmark, its not a big blank. however, it is important for me to fill it up.

anomymous: i dont harbour self-doubt cos i enjoy the process so much that it doesnt matter even if it goes wrong..i've answered yr question in the "unleashin..." post.

PritS said...

Is by any chance the style of post inspired from "My name is red"?

As far as your state of mind, or rather state of absent-mind considered, there is only one suggestion:
"Be yourself. If you cant, then find it."

satyajit said...

prits: no... i had never actually thought abt it until you mentioned it..but definitely no