Sunday, April 16, 2006

Why do NICE GUYS FINISH LAST when it comes to scoring chicks?

Why do nice guys finish last when it comes to scoring chicks?

This famed question merits a sincere endeavour until we reach the crux of the matter rather than a cursory attempt. Let’s assume we stay neutral, more in thinking than in gender, before we delve into this matter of exigency for the ever so burgeoning bachelor fraternity. And in doing so, we avoid the first important reason for pitfall on this path. The second given is that no matter what your status is- committed, married, single, frivolous- you owe it your brethren to show empathy and understanding in this pandemic of problems.

At the outset let’s decide on what qualifies a nice guy. What are their symptoms? Pardon the language for it may sound harsh but sometimes even 'tough aint enough'. A nice guy is one who will not go for a girl who’s going around with someone and will seriously think about a girl who’s just friends with a guy. The lacunae, here, is initiative. How does this lack of initiative cost our nice guy? Numbers will help us here. For a nice, homely guy to start harbouring amorous thoughts he is usually a ripe 21. At least. This constitutes the last years of any bachelor’s degree. At 21 if there’s any girl worth her salt she’ll mostly be taken and if she hasn’t been then, in all probability, she isn’t worth the sweat. That means out of 1000 girls in college, of which 300 demand a second look there are only 30 available. A 3 % sample size! For this bite of the chick-pie how many rats are prancing around? For 1000 girls there’ve to be a minimum of 3000 guys unless you have 50% quota for backward and not overly forward female population. The number of simpletons in this gargantuan figure is another colossal (refraining from use of the same adjective) 1500 who are all ready to mingle and whisper sweet-nothings into a feminine ear. The ratio of prospective candidates to seats available is a whooping 50:1! This is worse than an IIT entrance exam because unlike there, academically superior qualities aren’t of much use!! Pity the poor souls!

Now if by some act of Providence the nice guy nets a decent ‘babe in the woods’ there are realistic obstacles. The ‘ice-breaker and freshers’ party’ period is over and so the time to build a long story is not there. And nice guys don’t fathom catalysis unless they are in the chemistry lab. Rushing into things isn’t their cup of tea. Juniors might look up to you if you’ve bagged that 5 lakhs placement or if you’re a sports champ in college. But if a nice guy bags a 5 lakhs placement then he has to be a nerd and what the heck if he’s a sports hero? This is not like those teen Hollywood flicks where cheerleading teams swoon over the high school quarterback. Nice guys are practical too so the above mentioned point holds weight.

Another serious issue with nice guys is the well documented ‘killer instinct’. Why, this is the very reason for which the Indian team languished at the bottom of ODI tables until Dhoni conquered anything even remotely female with his flowing mane. The days of the wandering minstrel penning out soulful poems for his beloved have long gone by too. Your magnum opus may tempt her to ask you to ghost-write one for her boyfriend on his birthday! Nothing can be more painful than that. Nice guys need to go on an overdrive to bag the damsel who’s not so much in distress. Fidgety body language and gawky image do no good. The lack of hunter like traits leaves them with no choice but be content with just 'bird watching'.

Social life-the killer. Good boys arent party animals. You would most likely find them helping their moms with 'Ram Navami' celebrations than in a pub or disc. Its a proven fact that beauties are more devoted to courtship causes in surroundings anywhere but places of worship. How many friends of yours have met their sweethearts in a temple or a church? The hottest legs and the best bods are to be seen dancing their way to glory in the fancy disc on friday nights while 'gay' abandon is the domain of good boys.

Nice guys are cute. But girls, almost pathologically, find just about anything under the sun cute. Even the Hutch pug is cute. So please stop your inflating your chest if the hot girl in your class calls you 'cute'. Girls like their boys with a streak of adventure. Havent you seen those uncountable mushy Bollywood traingles where the nicest guy has to give up the hottest girl for his dearest pal? Do not fall into such traps!

Nice guys are predictable and they treat everyone well. Some ladies need to feel 'special'. So if an arrogant snob, with terrible mood swings, gives attention to a girl then she convinces her tender heart about this sensitive and caring side of him. She feels like the sole recipient of his devotion.There have been a few collegemates- absolute upstarts who got along better with animals than humans- who have been blockbuster hits with the ladies. Make her feel she is the Kohinoor of your world. and yet learn to play hard to get. If you come too easily your availabilty might work against you.The bad boy who does not return her call or messages and forgets important occasions still earns her adoration. Agonisingly true!

What has been chronicled here refers to a syndrome of a section of the bachelor populace-the educated urban hopelessly single male. But the traits talked about are very much needed in different situations.One of my friends well versed in the art of wooing so thoughtfully said that the most fun a guy can have with his pants on is during the courtship period. So I exhort the single Indian male youth to take up cudgels against frustrating and confidence crushing bachelorhood and go all out in the pusuit of maidens like the legendary Don Quixote. Candle-lit dinner dates and weekend outings to the cosy theatre are very much within your reach.

P.S: The purists may scoff at the suggestions and analysis as superficial and at socio-economic reasons not being dealt with but thats their job.
Some remarks may have been made tongue in cheek but the message they convey is substantial.
Members of the fairer sex should not be offended in any way at the language and tone used in this piece. This is the only language guys understand

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